The love we once had, and we always have.

Hi World. Are you all human? Im a human, i have flaws and i make mistake. Do you? Anyway, lifes pretty fuck up for me right now. Im in no position to have a single say in anything but whatever i do always have a huge impact towards people.

Well, 2 years back we got together not because we were curious of what love is.. but rather we had this little bond tied deep down in the mystery of love. So what if we did not have enough time to know more about each other? Didn't we make it till today? Yes, young & naive at the start but people change. Human bores and temptation sets in. I admit i have low tolerance for temptations. I realize how much pain i brought towards you & your forgiving heart. I know i couldn't meant it fully but still, you accepted me because we both loved.

Many different things happened in between the times when were together. I could say we had little quarrels, up-sized conflicts & practically summed up to big problems. For those people who only hear 1 sided stories & start commenting. Thanks! Because you're not the one undergoing the whole situation. Not trying to say anyone but you know who you are. C'mon what century already still gossip gossip. Oh well, you all have the rights to say all you want. Afterall, its your mouth!

We broke up because of my mistakes yet again. I'm sorry. You said you were too tired. You said you wanted to find someone who can make you happy. Someone who wont hurt your present fragile heart. But please tell me where you could seek perfect love in this world. And yes, you said you love me no more & you left. Leaving me nothing but to move on. That was what you said.

2 weeks after which, only God knows why you got together with someone. My heart sunk from 20 storeys or even more.. Its worse than taking space shot ride, roller coaster or anything.. far worse than that. that indescribable feeling is so painful yet numbz. But i had to accept it because its your decision after all.

My life started changing ever since you left.. I started clubbing, i started something that not even me myself could believe it, I started my first puff. I started drinking. I started to take life as happy go lucky. At that point of time, it was really a big turning point for me.. Then just when i was trying to forget you and move on. I received a text from you. Guess what? You said you missed me. Well, i was totally shocked & at the same time damn glad that you texted me. I didnt pin much hopes that you'll come back. At that point of time, you treated me as if i have no feelings. When you feel like it, then you'll text. And when you dont feel like it, you wont even bother to reply my msges. Somehow or rather, things started changing. I was on the winning situation. We got closer as we continue texting without anyone knowing. You even demanded that I stop talking to that girl that i'm talking with.

I then had choices to make but my heart wanted you back so much. But still, you were together with him. You couldnt bare to break the news to him because you were afraid to hurt him. I gave you time to settle things with him.. That fateful day you broke up with him, we met. I couldnt hold onto the feelings inside me & just burst into tears in your arms. We had couldnt stop talking the whole night.. and it showed how much we missed each other.

You told me you needed time to adjust to my changes & you are not prepared yet. And yes i gave you time.. we were doing fine and well but somehow i just feel that love from you was different. For some reason, i couldnt feel that love you had for me before you left. I started feeling paranoid and i dont know what to do. You're not the only one whose afraid of getting hurt. I'm a human too, i'm afraid too. I started losing confident about us.. I never thought that i'll get back you.. Yes i lost your trust, and i tried building,building & building it. but things i do dont seem to make you see that i'm really serious.

I started falling back from trying because no matter what there's still doubt in you towards me. I feel so helpess, i feel so pointless trying to hang on but you pulled me through. Assuring me that you'll try your best to accept it.

In between these 6 months, i tried cutting down on things you dont like to do. Somehow certain issues bothers me so much that i didnt dare to tell anyone because i felt so helpess & i wouldnt know where to start. Whenever i'm close with you, i drift from my friends. There's ought to be something wrong with my prioritizing. I know, but accept me for being that because its just me. I started taking in comments from people.. Whether i should i just let it go or should i just continue trying. For someone whom i love so much, i ought to change for the better. At that point of time, my closest brother, Febian started giving me good comments.

He talked about how he & sharon are, and were like. I was pretty envious how he was able to withhold such strong love between them still.. He at that point of time was also trying to move on, but still holding on back for sharon. Hoping the day that she'll accept him again. Words from him seem so golden to me because at that stage i was in, i couldnt find anyone that could speak words into my heart. He had his problems & yet he was trying to help me too. I was really thankful for him, if not i wouldnt be sitting right here typing all these. Probably left dead and laying down the street just like how beggar begs for money, but for me begging my love back. The one important thing that he said was, " If you love her, you ought to sacrifice. Everything's gonna be different because its something that you should do if you want her back. " Just this simple sentence make me ponder for days..

i finally made up my decision that i'm willing to cut down & hopefully eventually stop. Meantime, you were still trying hard to build that trust. I know it wasn't easy, but somehow again, i felt so tired because its so heart aching seeing you so tired. I want to set you free because maybe you'll be happier. Maybe you wont be struggling still to just be happy with me.

Then just before you left for China, i couldnt recall what happen that left both of us just hanging by a thread. We were thinking whether we wanted to continue/drag this thing/stop. But no decisions were made, so i guessed we dragged on.

So happen that the first week you were gone, i clubbed alot due to several birthdays. I'm definitely not lying. Corn can be my witness. His the one who knows what i'm thinking and what i'm doing. I shared almost everything that i had on my mind, and he was there to just hear my say & all. Yet another close brother i was able to open up to because he never fails to be there. Im grateful for him & i felt comfortable talking to him. He kept telling me to go with my heart, which is wanting you back, but me feeling so paranoid that you wouldnt want to be with me, got disheartened everytime i think of it.

When you were overseas, we still contacted through distant phone calls, text, msn or whatever. Whenever i'm out or what, you would start asking me who i was with, what i am doing, why this why that. I know you have all the rights to ask me, but just listen to your tone of voice when you were asking. Its definitely not asking, its doubting.

You asked me why i was so easily influenced by my friends, was it afraid to be alone and stuffs.. but tell me whose not afraid. I mean this type of things is something naturally that grows in the fear catagory. Drinking/club etc. I know you're worried but im old enough to think for myself. I was so tired trying to explain things that i wanted much you to let me go. I hung up on you time and time again, just hoping you to believe me but it was useless.

I had to go, and we had to let go because then maybe you'll be happier off without me. Things happened in between the 2 weeks before you came back. Well, once again its up to people to judge me because its their mouth. They never know what i went through and only know how much you went through. Anyway, i try hard to forget you but everything i do seems to remind me of you. I wanted to see you so much and talk to you so much, because i regretted make me point that we both let go.

We met up and we talked things out. But in the end, you said you had to move on. You wanted me to be someone who you know 2 years back. Whatever the changes that might be, i highly doubt you will be able to accept it. You said you had to move on. Spent our last night by the pool side listening to our heart beat. How i wish that time would have just stopped just there.

How 2 years just goes by so fast. Its not a long period but neither its a short period. Well, its a pity that i've yet to grown mature enough with my thoughts but i learnt & experienced almost everything about love. The high and the low times, the cold wars that would always result in missing each other more, the time where we would cuddle at home the whole day, that face of yours when i wake up any other morning seeing you beside me, your silly actions, your kp faces, your watery eyes talking to your mum when you couldnt stay out late,how you sneak into my placez, the way you played mahjong, how you would cut my nails but not my leg nails, complaining away how much you want to eat xlb, want to watch this movie watch that movie, how much you would always crave for food.. oh well, theres still alot of how much and this and that but its gonna stay in my 32 gb chipped memory slot in my head, and its gonna stay inside until the day my heartbeat stops.

Okay Serene, i guess its time that you want to leave. Take good care of yourself alright? Hopefully we'll meet again in the future. And oh oh, dont forget about me okay? Goodbye Serene.